Always Be Yourself…But Don’t Expect to Date

Sweet 19 and never been dated, as the saying goes.

But things are different now–you’re in college, with a fresh crop of uninterested guys ripe for the picking. And what better place to be rejected at the next educational tier than at your first Halloween party.

University of Mary Washington / October 2004 / At Least It's a Good Story

University of Mary Washington / October 2005 / At Least It’s a Good Story

Brimming with the misguided hope of an East Coast autumn romance, you travel to a dilapidated building where your school’s one underground frat is hosting this October soiree. It’s the kind of place that serves as a welcome reminder to update your Tetanus shots, but, hey, COLLEGE!

Unfortunately, your toothpaste costume isn’t the…hit…you anticipated. Nor is it drawing the male attention you’re seeking. “What are the chances,” you say to yourself, scanning the room, “that this year’s most popular costume is a slut?!” What a coincidence!

Furthermore, you start to realize that when presented with a tube of toothpaste or said loose women, college boys pick the latter. This epiphany most clearly manifests itself as two drunk dudes start Night At The Roxbury’ing you, your felt-covered body getting bounced back and forth in a drunken sandwich as one guy begins chanting, “Squeeze the tube! Squeeze the tube!”

You manage to escape the human pinball machine, only to inform one illiterate classmate that no, you’re not a lamp shade. Hence the CREST written on your body.

Costume in shambles from all the manhandling, you decide to call it a night. You got a main squeeze–just not the kind you wanted.

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