Pie Waits For No Man

Some families enjoy a good wine tasting, hopping from vineyard to vineyard on a sunny afternoon. But your family enjoys a good bakery. As in, bakery after bakery after bakery.

So when you drive past a long line forming outside of a church pie sale one August, smack dab in the middle of Maine blueberry season, your natural instinct will be to pull the vehicle over with NASCAR-esque precision and speed.

One of your three travel companions has done something horrible in a past life and is now paying the price as a gluten-free Celiac. The other two enjoy traditional baked goods, but maybe don’t share your…intensity.

After exiting the vehicle and joining the back of the line, you see a woman emerge from the church hall and inform everyone that the doors will open in 10 minutes. First come, first served.

Bar Harbor, Maine / August 2013 / At Least It's a Good Story

Bar Harbor, Maine / August 2013 / At Least It’s a Good Story

With your team in place, you huddle up and begin delegating assignments like Monica wedding-dress shopping in “Friends.” When the doors open, everyone is to fan out and begin searching for blueberry pie–ideally, with exquisite lattice work and crumbles on top of the crust. When said pies are located, each individual is to stand guard until three blueberry pies can be narrowed down to one. If time remains, a second pie of an unknown flavor may also be grabbed.

What hiking trips are all about.

What hiking trips are all about.

Once inside, you find yourself pushing past church parishioners as if you’re trying to secure a spot on the final Titanic lifeboat. The next few moments are a whirlwind, throwing open lid after lid on each pie box to assess the crust work.

Five minutes later, you exit with the most beautifully crafted blueberry pie known to man. And a key lime, to boot. You’re not quite sure what went down in there–you may have killed someone, or gouged out the Reverend’s eye balls. Who’s to say?

All you know is you have two pies in your possession. And that in the heat of the moment, you signed up for a church lobster bake.


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