If You Give a Moose a Muffin, He Will Horribly Disfigure You

If you give a moose a muffin, he will NOT want some jam to go with it. He will want to trample you to death. I don’t want to point fingers, but Laura Numeroff and her G.D. children’s books may be responsible for multiple animal attacks.

With such conflicting information swirling around and no one to turn to for the truth–Steve Irwin being dead and all–you’ll head to Yellowstone and Grand Teton National Parks with a bit of apprehension.

The area is teeming with bears, moose, bison, mountain lions and generally all creatures put on this earth to destroy humans. To complicate matters, you’ll be given a very different set of instructions depending on which animal you have the misfortune of running into on the trail.

Wyoming / May 2012 / At Least It's a Good Story

Wyoming / May 2012 / At Least It’s a Good Story

If you see a bear, for example, you must first analyze its shoulder hump to determine whether it’s black or grizzly. Whether you do this before or after you explosively shit your pants is up to you.

Next, you will need to read the bear’s “subtle” body language. This is particularly difficult for someone who, at the age of 16, thought a boy wanted to date her because he asked to borrow a marker.

Other incredibly helpful tips include speaking to the bear in a calm voice. So you’ll want to practice saying “Please be gentle as you maul my face beyond recognition” in a soothing manner.

Another useful nugget to differentiate grizzlies from black bears is the length of their claws. Remember to measure them as they’re piercing your retina.

Lions and tigers and bears, oh m’ eye!

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