Tip 24: There’s No DiGiorno in Deliverance

In an attempt to hike every National Park before you’re old and decrepit—or, perhaps more likely, mauled to death by a grizzly while gnawing on a slab of beef jerky—you decide to give the Great Smoky Mountains their due. Tennessee isn’t at the top of your list, but hey—neither was dating a guy for three months who had no sense of humor.

Unfortunately your instincts are right. Among other atrocities—many of which must be saved for an additional blog and/or therapy—your second night in Pigeon Forge, TN, will involve a mysterious traffic jam two miles from Cracker Barrel. You’ve just hiked all day and, like any proper fat ass, are in the market for a heart attack with a side of gravy-soaked biscuits.

Instead, you’ll spend two hours in the car, moving approximately half a mile. During this time, the dregs of society will surface. Men sitting in the beds of pick-up trucks will begin wielding large sticks, apparently on their way to a tarring of some sort. Women will leap down from the surrounding ravines, running in and out of traffic when not taking dumps in the woods. Gentleman with nary a tooth will leer at you from their driver’s seats. Loosely translated, their eyes are saying, “I will make you squeal like a pig.”

By the time you get back to the cabin, your dinner will consist of a granola bar and a large heaping of fear. The Barrel is closed (who knew they ever closed?!) and every pizza joint refuses to serve you.

There’s no delivery–or DiGiorno–to Deliverance.


Upon realizing we have no dinner / Great Smoky Mountains / April 2013 / At Least It’s a Good Story

Categories: Uncategorized | 3 Comments

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3 thoughts on “Tip 24: There’s No DiGiorno in Deliverance

  1. Did you manage to score any hootch while you were there? Tennessee moonshine is where it’s at, Sister.

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